Dies and Returens to Being a Kid Again

It's every parent'due south worst nightmare—you become to check on your child in the middle of the dark, and she's non there. Your centre starts pounding and you fly into panic mode, calling her friends, your relatives, and the police.

Whether or not your child has run away or threatened to do so—or you fear that she might—it's vital that you read this article. James Lehman has worked with runaway teens for many years, and in this new EP serial he explains why kids run abroad, means you lot can terminate them, and how to handle their behavior when they come home.

[Editor's Note: The intent of this article is to support parents in situations where their kid uses running away every bit a faulty problem-solving skill in response to rules or limits that are existence set in the dwelling house. Sometimes there are underlying issues that may influence a child or teen to run abroad. This article is not intended to address situations that may perhaps involve abuse, neglect or other issues.]

"Kids who threaten to run abroad are using it for power."

Any child tin can run away at whatever time if the circumstances are right. Believe me, if they're under enough stress, whatever child can justify running away.

Don't forget, running away is like whatever activeness. In order to do it y'all need three things: the ability, the willingness and the opportunity. And permit's face information technology, kids have the opportunity and ability to run every day—and so all it really takes is the willingness to practice it. That willingness tin can develop for a diversity of reasons. It could be a stressful situation your child is under, a fear of getting consequences for something they did, a form of power struggle, non wanting to go to school, or a substance abuse problem.

Another factor is that kids often idealize running away and develop a romanticized view of life on the streets. In reality, information technology's awful: you're common cold, you lot're hungry and it'south unsafe, just adolescents frequently see information technology as an risk or the cardinal to liberty, where "No 1 is going to tell me what to practice."

Why Kids Run Away

Many kids run away because of drug and alcohol corruption. When teens and pre-teens get involved in substance abuse, they may leave home to hide information technology so their parents don't observe out. These kids are often using a lot more than their parents know; they want to employ more freely and openly, so they run away.

In addition to fear or anger, feelings of failure tin can as well crusade kids to leave dwelling. Some children run away because it's easier to live on their own than to live in a critical home. I think being 15 years old and living in a hallway in the Bronx in winter. I didn't miss domicile at all considering I felt like such a failure in that location. Sadly, kids with beliefs direction problems or learning disabilities frequently get tired of the feeling that they merely can't go it right; it'southward easier for them to run than to fix the trouble. Often, they don't know that what they're facing tin be dealt with using other strategies.

In my opinion, the master reason why kids run abroad is considering they don't accept practiced trouble-solving skills. Running away is an "either/or" kind of solution; it's a product of black-and-white thinking. Kids run away considering they don't desire to face something, and that includes emotions they don't want to deal with. The boyish who runs away has run out of problem-solving skills. And leaving home—along with everything that is overwhelming them—seems to solve their immediate issues.

Episodic vs. Chronic Running Away

I think it's very of import to distinguish between kids who run away episodically, and those who are chronic runners. The reasons behind the actions are quite different, and it'south crucial to know what they are.

Episodic Running Away

When your child runs away afterward something has happened, it can exist viewed every bit episodic running away. It's not a consequent pattern, and your child is non using information technology as a trouble-solving strategy all the time. It'southward besides not something they use to gain power. Rather, they might be trying to avoid some upshot, humiliation or embarrassment. I've known kids to leave domicile because they were caught cheating in school or considering they became significant and were afraid of their parents' disapproval.

Chronic Running Abroad

Kids who consistently utilise running abroad to gain power in the family unit have a chronic problem. Realize that chronic running away is but another course of power struggle, manipulation, or acting out; information technology's just very high run a risk acting out. They may threaten their parents by saying, "If y'all make me do that, I'll run away." They know parents worry; for many, it's one of their greatest fears. Some parents may appoint in bargaining and over-negotiating with their kids over this when they shouldn't because they're afraid. But yous need to understand that kids who threaten to run away are using it for power. This not simply gives them power over themselves, but power over their parents and their families as well. When a parent gives in to this threat, their kid starts using it to railroad train them. For example, a parent in this situation will learn to stop sending their child to their room if he or she threatens to run abroad each time it happens. I want to be clear here: kids who chronically threaten to run away are not running away to solve 1 trouble. They're running away because that is their chief problem-solving skill. They're trying to avert whatsoever type of accountability.

Are at that place Alert Signs?

Unfortunately, there are no real hard-and-fast signs that indicate your child is about to run abroad. Certainly, you can look for secretive behavior, the hoarding of money, and things of value disappearing around the house. If y'all ever notice this happening, don't turn a bullheaded center: trust your gut. You probably already know that something is up, whether information technology'south substance abuse or your child'due south desire to get out dwelling.

A Step-by-Pace Way to Teach Your Kids that Running Abroad Won't Solve Their Issues

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

The most important thing you tin can do is teach your children problem solving skills. Inquire them, "What can you lot exercise differently nearly this problem? What are some ways we can deal with this problem?" Always arroyo something equally a problem that needs to be solved, and reward your kid when they are able to practise it successfully. Be sure to say things similar, "I liked the manner you solved that problem, Josh. The teacher was upset, only yous went up and apologized. That took guts. And now she has a better opinion of you. I'm actually proud of y'all." As much as possible, praise your child when he does something positive.

Create an Temper of Acceptance

Unconditional love is an idea that is used a lot in parenting, simply different people mean dissimilar things past it. Some people say "unconditional beloved" just what they hateful is "co-dependency." When I say unconditional love, I mean "I can't beloved you lot any less if yous do poorly and I won't dearest y'all love anymore if yous practise well. If y'all become an A I won't love you lot whatsoever more. If you get a D I won't love y'all whatever less. I love you." I think information technology's of import for parents to have that kind of atmosphere in their house and to reinforce it with their kids. It'southward too expert for parents to say, "It'south okay to brand mistakes around here." Make it clear to your child that "the mode we handle mistakes in our home is by facing up to them and dealing with them."

Check in with Your Kid

All parents should take a system where they bank check in with their kids oft. Just stop and inquire, "How's it going? Anything you want aid with?" You lot can say this two or 3 times in ane day; go by their room and knock on the door. That manner you're constantly giving your kid hypodermic involvement and affection. You're proverb, "I'm interested in you, I care." This is a skill that parents can build; it doesn't always come naturally. I understand that parents who have worked all day come dwelling and they're tired. My wife and I were both social workers and when we came dwelling, the last affair nosotros wanted to exercise was talk some more than. But we trained ourselves to practise that so our son would know we were interested and that we cared. You never lose when y'all show that to a child.

Talk to Your Child if You Call back He'south at Gamble of Running

If you call up your child is at risk of running away or you lot know that his friends accept done and so, you want to sit down and talk with him. Always temper your comments well-nigh other kids' behavior by what your child might be thinking. They hear you when you lot say, "Oh, that little hoodlum, if my kid ran away, he'd never come home." As a parent, you need to be careful about who's listening. What you actually want to say to your child is, "If you spiral up and run away, don't hesitate to come back and we'll talk almost it." And if your kid says, "Talk about what?" I would say, "Talk about how to solve the problem differently."

Responding to Threats

When your kid threatens to run away, I retrieve yous should answer by maxim, "Running away is non going to solve your problems. You're going to have to have responsibleness for this. And by the mode, if you exercise run abroad, yous're still going to take to face this problem when you come up habitation." And then tell them what will solve their problems: "These are the family rules and learning to deal with the family rules is going to solve your problems. Not running away from them."I think you tin give warnings, as well. You lot might say, "Listen, if you run away, I can't terminate you, but it'due south unsafe out there. I won't be able to protect you. And then not only will you not solve your problems, you'll also be putting yourself at hazard. Bad things happen to kids and that'south the adventure you lot're taking. I don't retrieve it'due south worth it, Jenna." As I mentioned before, you can also try to become them to accept a time-out by saying, "Why don't you lot simply at-home down for v minutes and and then let'due south talk about it."Many families I've worked with wound upwards dealing with abiding threats by proverb, "Wait, if you run, yous run. But these are still our family rules." At some point, they stopped giving in because they realized it wasn't effective or healthy for their families or their child.

"I'm Outta Here!" When Your Child is about to Exit: 3 Things Parents Tin can Exercise in the Moment

Many kids leave habitation in the heat of an argument with their parents or after some major event. This activity is probably not spontaneous—your child might have been considering how they will run away for quite some fourth dimension. If you sense your child is almost to leave, here are a few things y'all tin exercise or say to end them:

1. Effort to Go Them to Calm Down

Effort to get your child to calm down for five minutes. Yous tin can say, "Why don't you sit right here in the living room and take a timeout. I'll be back in five minutes." I wouldn't tell your child to go to his room; accept him stay right there in the living room or kitchen. It'due south not a adept idea to send him to his bedroom. This is because if he goes there and gets the impulse, he'south going to climb out the window.

ii. Ask "What'southward Going on?" Not "How are You Feeling?"

When yous talk to your kid, don't ask him how he's feeling; ask him what'south going on. All kids want to fence nigh how they're feeling—or they want to deny that they're feeling annihilation at all. Frequently parents get stuck there. So instead of, "Why are you so upset?" try asking, "What's going on? What did you lot see that made you want to get out?"

iii. Use Persuasive Language

A really good question to inquire your child is, "And so what's so bad well-nigh this that you can't handle it?" Later he or she tells you, you tin say, "You've handled stuff similar this before. Kids your age deal with this all the time and I know you lot can exercise information technology. Then you lot screwed upwardly, it'due south non the end of the globe. Face what y'all've got to face and then permit's get on with life." That kind of reasoning is called "persuasive talking." As a parent, yous're not giving in, but you're trying to persuade your child that they're okay. I used this approach successfully in my practice with kids all the time; I found that many teens yield to that blazon of persuasion.

Remember, kids run away from issues they tin't handle. Information technology's in our culture. Adolescents frequently see running away equally a manner to attain a sense of power and independence. They don't sympathise that it'due south false power and independence, however, considering they tin't take care of themselves in a legitimate mode on the streets. Still, those feelings can be very ingrained for some kids. Personally, I think the most important affair for a kid to acquire is how to solve his problems differently. Your child is going to have to face whatever he's avoiding somewhen, and it'due south of the utmost importance that he understands that critical life lesson: "Eventually, you're going to have to face up this."

When your child is out on the streets, you lot experience powerless, afraid and isolated. And if they decide to come up dwelling house, your joy tin can quickly plow to dread every bit you see them fall into the quondam patterns of behavior that caused them to run in the start identify. In Part II of "Running Away" James explains what yous can practice when your under-age kid runs away, and how to handle their behavior — and give them consequences— when they come dwelling.

Related Content: Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on My Child?

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/running-away-part-i-why-kids-do-it-and-how-to-stop-them/